Learning to Appreciate the Unpredictable

I really enjoy being loved, but the problem with being loved is that suddenly, I have something to lose again. And all that shit that I don't want to deal with - my fear of abandonment, my mistrust of the world around me, my anxiety about my and others' mortality, it all is coming back in my head. But I've realized something recently, or rather I've been told something recently and it actually stuck; I am my baggage, and my baggage helps make me the unique, amazing person that I am. I can honestly say I've never met a person like me in the world, and that sounds pretty arrogant, but when I've been ragging on myself for a while, bringing myself down and making myself feel miserable about who I am and how my history makes me feel, I think it's okay for me to brag on myself a bit. No matter what happens down the road with anyone in my life, I can at least believe that they will probably never meet another person like me. Thus, I am memorable, for better or for worse. I am special. If everything were roses and gumdrops in my life, I would be unique for all the wrong reasons - I wouldn't have a story, and I personally believe that my life is definitely story-material with sadness and sexuality and anger and unpredictability and heartbreak and bad yet worthwhile decisions and happiness. I am the type of person who has to resist beginning a book by skimming the last page because I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, but if I really think about it, if I were to go back in time ten years ago, six years ago, one year ago, or even six months ago, I probably wouldn't believe what was going to happen in my future, and good twists are sometimes one of the best things about a book. Besides the poetry, of course.

Silent

Not talking.
Not talking not talking not talking.
Ninety minutes and counting.

Oh. Right. Blogging.

Oh, interwebs. It's been a while. And you know what? That's fine by me. Obviously, I haven't felt anything too bad recently to want to post on.

But... then this week happened.

So here's the thing - I've been asking questions that have no answers.

Like if there's a god.
And if there's not a god, what's the point.
And why do I care about love when love is not a constant.
And why do I care about my future when my life is almost definitely going to be insignificant.
And why should I care about anything if the only thing I can truly count on is that I will die.

BUT here's another thing - I've come to the conclusion (for now) that these questions are so irrelevant. I need not worry, at least not now.

There's other things to preoccupy myself with.

So I just wanted to get it all out there, and then let it go.
And that's what I'm doing.
And now, I'll go get ready for bed. I'll wake up in the morning, I'll spend my time with kids and children, I'll get annoyed by work, I'll sleep, and eventually I'll get back to St. Mary's.
And things will continue to be okay.

Self-working (sounds dirty)

I'm working on myself and trying to be better, but it's just so time consuming. Being a better girlfriend means I don't have as much time to be a better friend which means I don't have enough time to be a better student. I should be taking different inefficient or detrimental energies and using them in different places, but it takes a lot of metacognitiveness to accomplish that goal. Taking the energy from being a silly girlfriend with silly jealousy issues and reworking that energy into my schoolwork. Taking the procrastination time (of which I'm so fond) from my schoolwork and energizing my friendships. Talking takes time, after all.
Being purposeful.
Being diligent.
Being everywhere at once is stressful.
This is turning prose-y, but I don't mind.

LIFE IS INSANITY

I just thought I'd remind the internet that life is filled to the brim with insanity. You know, just in case the internet forgot.
Too many times in the past few days have I thought "What the fuck is happening right now?" Oh, life and its nonsensical, weird, and unpredictable happenings.

Home

"Oh, home, yes I am home. Home is wherever I'm with [y'all]." Mmmm Edward Sharpe. Delicioso.
I'M HOME. St. Mary's has been weird without the gang, but it's been good that the gang hasn't been here because it's given me the opportunity to confirm that St. Mary's is my home; even without my loves here, I still feel comfortable and hopeful and happy. And that's all I can really ask for in life.
Tuesdays/Thursdays will be days from hell since I have 6 straight hours of class per day (10-4), but at least I'll be challenged and happy. I'll just have to make sure to stay on top of all of my reading (yea for overloading!). And I have no early classes! And only one night class! Huzzah, I say! Huzzah!

Loving life

This sounds quite emo, but there haven't been many times in my life where I really just love my life. I love where I am, I love the future, I've accepted my past and am ready for new beginnings. I love myself. And this is all because I absolutely love and adore my friends. I have the best friends in the world. Yes, we're kooky, and not necessarily always in the best of ways, but we still fit, we're still wonderful, we still love each other, and they still all let me cuddle with them when I need to. They all accept and love my quirkiness, and I just absolutely adore them.
The fact that I found these friends is proof to me that there is some sort of something-deity out there. Or the world is just sometimes really cool despite all the poverty and war and shit. There's at least a deity just looking out for Caroline. I shall name Her... Jezebel the Great.