Oh, Sweet Jesus

I greatly enjoy my life right now, regardless of the overabundance of interesting complications. I like staying up late with my friends. I like knowing that I'm going home in just a few short weeks (22 days!). I like giving presents and getting presents and getting all fancy for pictures where I look absolutely banging (overconfidence can be better than no confidence). I like having possibilities for my future. I like having friends that care so much about me. I like having the opportunity to be myself in any situation and to not give a damn about the opinions of others.
But here's the thing - all of those things are something that I can control, a mindset about life. Then there are other things that I can't control, like other people. And although I don't care what other people's opinions of me are, I do care about other people's feelings in general, and when something is wrong and I am completely powerless to change it... that presents massive complications.
But, no worries. It's almost Christmas!

It Worked Out

I've finished my finals. I've moved out of my apartment. I've hung out with my friends. I've made fun plans for the break. I've bought most of everyone's presents. And, most of all, I've been given a second chance. I can't believe I actually made it through this semester, and, not only did I make it through, I fixed things. I turned things around. I made things happen. In a month, I'll be home, being dorky at transfer orientation and waiting for my best friends to come join me back home.
I'm just so excited for the future, and I haven't felt this way in such a long time.

Misery Loves Company

I find it amazing how (at least it seems like) when one person is really sad, there is a domino effect, and soon almost everyone is sad. It's quite the upsetting phenomenon, the contagiousness of despair.
I also don't like when things don't go according to plan, and I'm not where I need to be to hug and to cuddle and to comfort. And yes, in a month I'll be back and finally able to reclaim my motherhood of the gang, but by that time these problems will probably have passed, and right now is when certain friends need me the most.

Oh, Money

I wish I was rich. And I know that is a terrible thing to wish because money won't buy you happiness, but I'm already pretty happy with my life, and I'd like to buy things for myself and for others. If I were rich, I could have a complete wardrobe. I could buy my friends the best Christmas presents and not have to worry about the cost. I could pay my parents for the money they'll lose on my apartment. I could donate to charities and to hospitals and to relief efforts.
I just feel like life would be easier if I had more money. And as terrible as it is to wish that, I know that it's true - life would be easier. But at least I have friends that love me despite my somewhat silly presents because they know I invest meaning and love in each present I buy.

Early Morning.... Sigh

So I'm up ridonkulously early (6:45) because of my history final. Last night, while studying with Erin, we realized that we only have to get a 55% on this exam to get a B... I guess it's bad that we basically stopped studying then, but whatever. Then I taught Erin's boyfriend a quick run through of everything Spanish related for his final today, and it was fun because he had actually cooked Erin and me dinner earlier in the night.
I guess I'm writing about last night because it felt so nice to have real friends down here. I'd never really allowed myself to get close to anyone in my past few months in Raleigh, but it was nice to just hang out at someone's apartment and laugh and stress and chill. And I'm still absolutely effing thrilled to come back to St. Mary's; it's just nice to know that I've made a lasting impression on some people down here, and they want me to come back and visit because I'm an amazing person. It's a confidence booster right there.
O Internet Universe, wish me luck on my stupid history final.

Self-Consciousness For The Lose

Hey! Hey you! Why are you so down? Oh, because sometimes life seems like a desolate black hole where nothing you ever do will end up with you being truly happy? Yeah. That happens sometimes. But luckily things will look better eventually like they always do.
I really do make problems for myself. As soon as one really good thing happens (me getting accepted to go back to SMCM) I start creating other problems for myself (self-consciousness and clinginess). I really need to work on this, and I'm trying to just ignore it, but ignoring my low self confidence and my clinginess makes me crave attention even more. It's a stupid cycle that will hopefully cease soon so I can get on with my damn life.
I just want to go and run for a few weeks straight, lose thirty pounds, and get a new wardrobe. And I need to stop thinking about shit that I can't control. That would probably be the most helpful of things.
I always get myself into these messes. Now I'm realizing it's because I feel the need for the self-pity from them.

Eventful Times

I couldn't blog much last week because I was so excited and I didn't want to hint about my secret and ruin the surprise.
Yes, internet who doesn't read my blog, I'm going back home, and it's exciting as fuck. About the only not exciting thing there is about this whole ordeal is that it's balls cold in Maryland, but at least I'll have my friends to cuddle with for warmth.
And now time seems to be moving so quickly and so slowly at the same time. I really just don't give a damn about finals, which is probably why I have yet to really study for my chemistry final that is to take place in thirteen hours. Whoops. Luckily, I already know most of it (or at least I think I do).
I do enjoy life when I'm feeling completely irrational and overemotional and overly analytical, and I get self-conscious and self-pitying and all jittery-sad (which is an incredibly odd juxtaposition, I know), but then I realize that I am not to blame for these feelings and that it is in fact the entire fault of my uterus. It's such a good feeling, being able to blame irrationality on something besides my own mind. However, it doesn't make the feelings go away, but to these depressing notions I say suck it and go away because I don't need them feelings in my life.
...I should probably review my chemistry and maybe have a good, uterus-induced cry, and then go to sleep. Good idea, Caroline. Props to you and your wonderfulness.
Good night, world. Sweet dreams. Hopefully I'll wake up to an even brighter tomorrow.

Sexiness

So, I think it's important for every woman to feel sexy, at least some of the time. It helps boost confidence and libido, and it's just a good, fun thing to believe about yourself. I realized recently that, while I was with Will, I started to rely on him to make me feel beautiful and sexy instead of feeling it from within. That might have been one of the hardest things to do once I became single - reclaiming my internal, personal beauty and reminding myself that I am sexy and attractive to other people. For a while I kept up relying on other people to tell me that I was pretty and beautiful, but I've finally started to recover my confidence with the help of music (like Lady Gaga and Ida Maria). Don't get me wrong - I still have my days where I wake up and text someone and say "Please remind me that I'm pretty." But it's nice to know that, on most days, I can get ready to "Beautiful, Dirty, Rich" by Lady Gaga or "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked" by Ida Maria and feel perfectly lovely and glamorous and sexy.

Faith

So, I lost my faith in organized religion and Christianity a couple of years ago, and it's not exactly something that will be coming back any time soon (I think). But there are things in my life that give me hope that there is some sort of Force (midochlorians?) that is helping me through tough situations. The biggest faith-reminder that I have is my friends. I have no idea how I would have found them without the guidance of some power that I am unaware of. I found Geneva so randomly one night, and through Geneva I made so many other friends in high school. It was by some random divine intervention that Mark, Carlo, and Julie were in my orientation group, and that through them I met my other eight best friends. And when I think about that - about how completely random it was that these people just wandered into my life and that they clicked with me instead of getting frustrated or confused or overwhelmed and that they instead chose to form a bond with me that will (hopefully) never be broken - it's hard for me to believe that it was so by chance because it has worked out in ways that have been better than I'd ever imagined or hoped.
Today, on Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my friends. I smile because of them. I laugh because of them. I appreciate myself more because they appreciate me. I am more independent and can support myself better because I know they'll be there when I ultimately can't do something on my own. Most importantly, I know I'm loved, and I know that I am never alone, no matter how far apart we may be.
Sometimes, I hate being alive because I'm so worried about when I won't be alive anymore. But tonight, I am comfortable with being alive because I know that, no matter what happens, my friends will always be here to make me smile and laugh and feel loved.

Day 0

Dang, today has been a long time coming. I started counting at one month. Thirty days. 720 hours. But I made it, and I just have to do a little bit of work and then I'm driving and then I'm back, with my friends and in person. I really cannot wait for the hugs and the snuggles and the back rubs and the laughing.
Only twelve hours to go.
But now I'm having irrational fears that I've made it this far but I'll get hit by a car or something today and not be able to go home. These fears are so dumb.

Singing as I wait

85 hours maximum until I'm back in Maryland hanging out with some of my favorite people of my entire life. I can't express how happy I am to see them; I miss them like crazy. And luckily, during those 85 hours, I will be quite busy with Kappa Delta stuff, homework, going to class, seeing Harry Potter (huzzah!), and driving. And during all of those things, I will either be singing in my head or singing aloud. I forgot just how therapeutic singing is when I need to stay upbeat. Singing, rocking out, staying busy - this is the trinity of a the next 85 hours' happy Caroline, a Caroline not weighed down by the endless possibilities of how the future could play out.
You know, I've really internalized Carlo and Charles' teachings - affirming life is my new life plan, if at least for right now.

Wallowing... that's a good word!

I need to stop wallowing in my self pity and sadness. I need to pull myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and keep walking. I can't just stop living because things aren't going the way I want them to go. I can't just stop breathing because the air around me isn't tinged with the sweet scent of the St. Mary's River (and chips and salsa and donuts). I've got to keep working. I've got to keep smiling. Things will get better because things always get better. That's just how it is, and I have to stop worrying about HOW and WHEN things will get better and just accept that at some point in the future through some indeterminable ways, I will feel happy, and I will wake up happy and go to bed happy and things will be okay.
It's only cool to wallow in mud when you're playing in it - not when you're sitting down, waiting to sink under the muck. That's just not cool Caroline behavior.
Luckily I have such sweet new jams keeping me walking every morning. That switch-up from my normal routine has been heaven. I just need some changes right now, and luckily I'll get them soon. My hair will be freshly dyed and styled next week. Hopefully I'll be getting some sweet tattoos at Christmas. And maybe soon a better outlook on life? That's not exactly something I can make an appointment for or ask to get for Christmas, so I guess I'll have to work on that (at least partially) on my own.
One minute before 1AM. I'm going to get to bed so early tonight. (The upsetting part is I'm not joking - one in the morning is early for me recently.)

I Survive

I stumble'd this and found it so beautiful and apt that I felt an incredibly need to post it.

Blogging from the Library

I'm so cool, blogging from the library. I'm determined to write this freaking term paper today and turn it in for feedback tomorrow, but it's so hard to really dive in to something that seems so big. If only I could just cite Wikipedia; it would make things so much easier.
There are so many countdowns in my life right now, and there's so much up in the air, and I hate not knowing about the future (and since you can't really know anything for sure in life, I'm in a constant state of mild anxiety).
But one step at a time. Get the term paper done today. Get my KD exam study guide done tomorrow. Get my chemistry exam study guide done on Saturday. Get my calculus exam study guide done on Sunday. Work work work. Learn learn learn. And as the seconds tick by, I'm that much closer to knowing how my future will play out. It's like watching a story being written one letter at a time - it unfolds before you, and things that just look like a bunch of characters smushed together without meaning suddenly form words that form clauses that form sentences that form paragraphs that form chapters that form my life.
I like it when my poetical side takes over. It's such a relief.

Starting Something Sucks

First: alliteration in the title. Holla at it.
Second: I greatly enjoy late-night conversations. The only upsetting thing is that my late-night conversations have to be over the phone now. Oh well. At least I have my awesome best friends to keep me sane.
Third: I hate the feeling you get when you have a big project that you need to start, but you don't want to start it. You know what I mean? I have a big term paper due in less than two weeks, and I want to get it finished by this weekend so I can turn it in for feedback, but IT'S SO HARD TO ACTUALLY START IT. Especially since it's supposed to be 7-10 pages long, and I don't know a tremendous amount on my topic.
I know once I start it, I'll be fine, but it's the effort it takes to actually begin that makes me want to punch a toucan. And toucan are just too adorable to punch!

UPDATE: So I wrote a very, very rough outline of my paper. I basically included all of the knowledge I know about my subject (the Catholic Church during the Mexican Revolution) without any references to back up the info. As I was rereading it, I burst out laughing, though, because in one of my bullets I literally wrote "Madero was pretty tight with the Church because he needed that bitch's support with politics and shit." and it made me smile a lot. I thought I'd share that because it's smile-worthy.

A Direct Message to the Universe

Dear Universe,

I'm trying. I'm putting myself out there. I'm making myself vulnerable. I'm giving it my all.

Please just let me win this time.

Sincerely,
Caroline

Worry

I get so worried so easily. I worry about myself. I worry about other people. I worry about my relationships with other people. I worry about my future. I worry about the future in general. I worry I'm not doing enough. I worry I won't be good enough. I worry that, no matter how hard I try, I won't get what I want, and then I don't do as much work, which makes me worry that my slacking will mean I won't get what I want. I worry that one little thing is going to mess up the rest of my life. I worry that nothing I do can change the external factors in my life. I worry that my happiness will ultimately be decided by other people's choices that pertain to me. I worry that, as soon as something good happens to me, it will be torn out from under me because that has happened to me time and time again. I worry that there is no God. I worry that there is a God and that It doesn't like me. I worry that life is meaningless. I worry that I won't find love. I worry that I'll find love and lose it. I worry that I'm in over my head in a lot of different ways. I worry that I'm a burden. I worry that I'm annoying. I worry that I'll never stop making stupid decisions. I worry about growing up and being responsible. I worry I'll have my heart broken again, and I worry even more because I know that it's almost definitely going to happen.

I worry that I'll never stop worrying.

The more times I say "worry" in my mind, the less it sounds like a real word.

There is a slight glimmer that keeps me grounded, though. Well, it sometimes keeps me grounded. It also sometimes makes me cry. It's some of the lyrics to "On The Radio" by Regina Spektor:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And as inspiring as the song is (sometimes), making me realize that I shouldn't worry about the trivial things in life, other times it just makes me realize the monotonous cycle that life goes through. The routine of falling in and out of love. The pointlessness. But I only view the song in that way when I'm feeling down, which, sadly, is most of the time when I'm not at St. Mary's.

Deadlines

So I'm setting deadlines for myself to help keep myself motivated. I'll have my term paper done by the twelfth, which gives me ten days for revisions. I'll have my transfer essay done and submitted by the time I visit St. Mary's in December. That way, Admissions will already have something of mine on record when I schedule an interview. I'll have everything turned into St. Mary's by winter break.
I can do this. It's just going to take naps, tears, and encouragement.
At least my classes next semester should be pretty good. No classes on Fridays means that I can visit SMCM for longer whenever I come visit on weekends.
I e-mailed my Songleader application to one of the leaders from KD. I even e-mailed the leader of NC State's indie a cappela group (A Coppology) to ask about spring semester auditions. Look at me, trying to get involved in something.
I'm putting forth the effort even though I really don't want to. Honestly, I'd much rather curl up in a ball, procrastinate on the internet, get straight A's, and get back to SMCM as soon as possible. But I need to do something with my time here, I do suppose.
Besides. Extra curriculars look great on a college application.

PS: It's actually looking likely that I'll be getting my tattoos for Christmas. I cannot express my delight.

Countdowns

"I asked Jerry. He told Terri. Terri sang a song just for me. Lynvall gave a message to me. Rhoda screamed and then she asked me..."
I was so angry that I had to leave St. Mary's while I was driving back to Raleigh that, during the buildup of Ted Leo's "Where Have All The Rude Boys Gone?", I almost bruised myself banging to the beat on Ferdinand's steering wheel. It gets harder and harder to leave each time I visit because I want so much to just be back and have things be simple. But I can't just not visit either. Three weeks away from the gang is about my breaking point. I almost went nuts last week waiting and feeling left out and lonely.
So now I'm back in Raleigh, and my heater's not working, and it's in the forties outside. For the record, Caroline is not a happy Caroline at this moment.
But luckily, I have my countdowns. Today, it is twenty one days until I'm home for Thanksgiving and thirty two days until I'm back at St. Mary's. And each night I go to sleep, I wake up to find the number of days is one fewer than the day before. Hour after hour, the countdown gets smaller and smaller, until it's two weeks, one week, one day, one hour. Sometimes I realize that I might end up counting down until the day I die, but that's too morbid for me to be thinking about right now.
What's important is that, in thirty two days, for a few days, I'll be giving back massages and dancing around and scooping and laughing and feeling like I'm where I belong with the people that make me the happiest I've felt in a long time. Let's think positively now, shall we? Next time I'm there, I want one-on-one time with each one of my best friends. I want to actually catch up with everyone because I love all of tem so much and want to know about what's going on in their lives and be able to cheer them up if they need it.
Tomorrow, I register for classes. I'm hoping not to have classes on Fridays so that I can come down Thursday nights and stay all weekend with the gang. That would just be majestic in every sense of the word.
Well, back to moping and freezing my ass off. I should probably do some work at some point tonight seeing as I skipped five classes these past two days. Whoops. But it was so worth it.

Quotes

So I StumbledUpon this random girl's tumblr account, and she said two awesome (albeit somewhat depressing) quotes that I really identify with.

"I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next day had suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue." - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."

"You know why it's hard to be happy? Because you find it hard to let go of the things that make you sad."

DON'T PANIC

Up late interneting for no particular reason except that I don't feel like going to sleep yet even though I should.
So let me clear up some thing, just in case you didn't already know: I don't like waiting. In fact, I absolutely hate waiting because when I wait for something, I start planning for that something, and things never turn out the way they're supposed to.
Let me repeat: never do they turn out the way they're supposed to.
So I should just stop making plans, right? But then I have nothing to look forward to, and for me, having nothing to look forward to equates with having no reason to get out of bed.
Drama drama drama. It's flying through my head. There is so much to take care of, so much planning to do - for tomorrow, for this weekend, for next week, for next semester, for next year, for the rest of my life. For so long I thought that I wanted to find someone to love me forever in a way I'd never thought I could experience. And I still want that, but with all of this waiting for that to happen, more things pop up that I feel the impulse to do.
For too long, I locked myself away and made my decisions solely based on whether or not it would mean I could be with someone forever. Years ago, I got rid of my self esteem because that's how teenage girls find guys. More recently, I dropped one of the best situations I'd ever found in hopes that I'd feel wanted and loved for the rest of my life.
Plans never work out the way they're supposed to.
So now, I'm trying to not lock myself into one idea, but with all of this waiting comes all of this planning, but the planning is futile because it doesn't matter.
You know what does matter? Tattoos. Tattoos stay with you. And I want some badly. Charles inspired my most recent idea: DON'T PANIC (one word on each wrist). It's one of the mottos from The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's also one of my favorite songs (by Coldplay), and it's a phrase that I repeat to myself every time life takes unexpected, unwanted, and unfair turns.
I painted my nails red today. I've started working out, but working out just makes me more self conscious which makes no sense.
I just want my tattoos, please. Maybe as a Christmas present from my parents.

Friday Night in Raleigh

Mumford & Sons makes me so happy and simultaneously makes me sad. It makes me happy because I love their music, but it makes me sad because my favorite place to listen to Mumford & Sons is lying on Carlo and Charles' floor when I'm really tired.
I've found the best method for getting through this year (at least thus far) is having countdowns for when I'll be back in St. Mary's. Today, it's sixteen days, which means tomorrow it will be fifteen days, and the next day it will be fourteen days. It's nice to be able to just wait 24 hours and then be that much closer, if that makes any sense.
It also helps to stay busy on the weekends. So this weekend, G's coming to visit me, and I'm really excited for that. And then next weekend, I'm going to Louisiana to see my best friend LG. I haven't seen him or been to Louisiana in over a year and a half, so I'm really excited about that as well. I'll get to have beignets and red beans and rice and gumbo and a Mochassippi from CC's, and I'll get to catch up with LG and play video games and watch movies and maybe even see old friends from Louisiana who I don't talk to anymore. And then, just six days after getting back from Louisiana, I'll be at St. Mary's for Halloween, dressed up like an awesome Iron Man.
See? Thinking positive. I'm Optimist Prime. Now, undoubtedly I'll be sad sometimes because I'm not in my favorite place in the world with a majority of my favorite people in the world, but at least I have some hopeful thoughts to keep me company while I count down the days.

Regret

I've never actually regretted a decision so much in my life. I think that moving down to Raleigh might be one of my biggest regrets of my whole life. And now I have to get up and go to class instead of laying around and playing video games and going kayaking with the people that I love so much and who actually, genuinely love me back.
This is going to be such a hard freaking year. But I guess I'll reason with myself - if I don't go to class and get the best grades I possibly can, then I should just drop out and live with the Brothers C, which isn't exactly going to get me back into SMCM next year... so I should get out of bed and go to class.
I just wish I could turn back time with the knowledge I have now - that Will wasn't worth this move at all, that y'all make me feel like I'm the best person I could be, and that the feeling of amazing relief every time I turn the bend around the river at St. Mary's means that SMCM is truly my home and I should never leave it.
I love you guys. Sorry for the depressing post, but it was written by a pretty depressed person.

EDIT: Although I'm still really sad, I feel a little better because I've already started planning my next trip up to SMCM, so it gives me something to look forward to.

I really like strengthening old friendships

So, tonight I was on the phone with my friend Nicole for a good long time, and during our conversation (mind you, it's almost two o'clock so obviously it's late-night Caroline time) I told Nicole about my theory since I was a little lady - that, if there is a God, my life must be a soap opera in Heaven. Because the things that happen to me aren't necessarily normal. I'm not saying my life is terrible or anything because it's not. I have wonderful, loving friends, a wonderful, loving family, a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a bed to sleep in, and enough money and privilege to get a college education. I've got a lot of stuff going for me, but, similar to bad soap opera writing, the weirdest plot twists occur in my life. A crazy weird childhood, a crazy weird adolescence, and what it turning into a crazy weird young adulthood, with traumatic childhood experiences, a hurricane, and impulsive decisions leading to heartbreak all included. So this is what I've decided:
I'm going to switch majors and become a chemist. As a chemist, I'm going to discover a chemical that makes people absolutely ginormous once ingested. I'm going to eat said chemical and grow super duper tall until I can totally reach into Heaven and have a brutal thumb war with God over whether or not my life can ever just let me truly be happy instead of making me anticipate and worry about my next plot twist. I'm not really sure who will win - I mean, God's a pretty strong dude/ladyfriend, but I've got a lot of pent up aggression.
Anyway, just thought I'd let you know how awesome I am after midnight. Because I'm pretty fucking awesome.

Depressing dream

I had a dream last night in the few hours that I slept that I just kept trying and trying to win back Will. Apparently I was a doctor and I had to compete in challenges against this new girl that Will was dating. In the end, right as I was about to win, I woke up.
Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't we have just tried to work through it?
I know the answers to both of those things. I just don't like them, so it's hard to accept them.
Sorry for the depressing post. I'm trying to just remember that I get to see my family and then I'll be in St Mary's this weekend, but it's a really hard thing to focus on when I feel so alone and unwanted.
But I don't like to talk about these things with anyone because it's not like anything between me and Will is going to change in the way that I want it to, so what's the goddamn point?
Sad. Sad sad. Sad sad sad. Sigh.

Loneliness, sunburn, and homework

1. I'm kinda pissed, but mainly just lonely and depressed, and there is no one with whom to snuggle or cuddle or nuzzle in my apartment. It's overwhelming how sad that thought is for me. I started the ball rolling with a small step, and he kept pushing it and pushing it until now it's this big snowball of me being sad all the time and having no clarification. So that's cool beans.
2. I got sunburned in a few random places this past weekend at the beach. There are two lines that make up two sides of a triangle that are framing my ass, there's a dot on my back, a burn on top of one of my ears, and a line on my shoulder. Needless to say, it's a little hilarious.
3. Driving is the only way to get away from here, but it saps up so much time that I should be devoting to studying and homework. And then when I finally have time to do homework, I feel to tired and/or sad to want to do my homework.
Oh well. So goes life.
I miss having a giant support group, and I miss having a particular man as my boyfriend, but sometimes life gives you a big bucket of crap and tells you to make lemonade. The end.

Hurricanniversary

Today is the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. I didn't even realize it until my mom reminded me (I haven't looked at a calendar in a few days). Will was gone, so I was alone in my apartment watching Futurama in my pajamas for most of my day. Right now I'm really sad, so I got on College Humor and watched this video and now I feel slightly better:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1940454
Aw, look at 'em run. Awdohble.

Things still aren't going as well as I had hoped, but at least I don't have to listen to Nique on the phone all time. And instead of a creepy Awkward Charles, there's soft serve in the dining halls on campus.

So there are some positives to life, I suppose.

Not so bad

So, today was Monday and thus my first real week of classes at State. I sat in a cold History lecture, a chemistry lecture with over 200 people in it, and a smaller Spanish class that I don't feel terribly prepared for. I walked home alone in the pouring rain with no raincoat or umbrella, and my air conditioner broke because I put it on heat because I was freezing from the rain. The nice Guatemalan guy, Oscar, who fixes everything at the hotel started hitting on me which made me feel uncomfortable, and I'm getting to bed later than I'd hoped because I'm really tired but I tried to do all of the work I'd planned on doing.
But you know what? I called Will, and he, Adam, and I went to get dinner from Zaxbys, so I ate good chicken for dinner, and then Adam showed me pictures from his senior year while I just chilled. All of the work I feel like I need to get done is actually just me outlining everything I read like a freak, and if I end up reading without outlining because it's getting too late, it's not the end of the world. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a family and friends who love me, a boyfriend who's trying his hardest to support me, and the tiniest bit of faith in my heart. I may not feel this optimistic tomorrow, but I think things may actually turn out okay.
You know why? Because I'm Caroline Motherfucking Sellers, and I can take on the world if I wanted to. (But please, world, try not to send me much worse than what I've already experienced? Thanks!)

So, this is hard.

This whole moving deal has turned out not so great thus far, although I'm hoping it'll turn out better soon. Actually, I don't have enough energy to hope right now because I've had to continuously walk/bike across this freaking giant campus. I have never felt so out of shape in my life. Also, the bike keeps scratching my legs so I've left amounts of my DNA in blood samples all over State campus.
I've found living alone to be okay but depressing because I'm so far away from everything. I really like having my own place - I just hate that it's not on campus. It also sucks not really having many friends. Will's been doing his own stuff, which is completely reasonable because he should be doing his own thing, except that it hasn't even really felt like we're dating. I've been really pissy and really upset and really self-conscious and jealous, all of which I really hate being. Also, I just had my first Spanish 202 class, and I feel so completely out of my league. I mean, there are some completely idiotic people in that class, so I know I'm not the least intelligent in the class (one girl leaned over to me and asked "So, what's 'do' in Spanish? Like 'Do you know where the bathroom is?'" and when I said that the Spanish don't say "do", it blew her mind. This is Spanish 202!). But I was messing up preterite forms and not reading things correctly, and it just felt awful. Speaking Spanish fluently is heavily incorporated in my being a Spanish teacher.
I guess I just feel really down. But I've felt down since I got here, and even when I was a little happy, it wasn't nearly the happiness that I felt at SMCM with my friends, just hanging out and playing video games and joking around. And I do just want to hang out and do homework and play video games, but I have no friends to do it with (Will doesn't like not doing anything).
The moral of the story is that this is a lot harder than I was hoping it'd be. The end.

Update: So Adam (Will's roommate) just came back and hung out with me for a little and made me feel a little better, so I don't feel like life completely sucks anymore. But I do still miss my SMCM crew so badly it kind of hurts right above where I think my stomach is.

Futures are not what they're cracked up to be

So, this is my first post in a long time. I would write long with multiple o's, but then it would be "luh-ooh-ng" which most definitely is incorrect pronunciation. Carrying on.
Will's at camp again. He was there for a week, back for a week because he was sick, and is back at camp again. I've hardly done anything with my summer. Actually, I'm lying because I've done a lot - it just doesn't feel like I've done much and that my summer is quickly slipping through my fingers like sand or tiny microscopic shoes or something. Although deep down I'm excited about going to State and having my own apartment and being with Will and living alone, I'm starting to realize that that's exactly what I'll be there, at least for a while: alone. I mean, yeah I'll have Will, but he won't be available all of the time. I won't be able to just call up Geneva and see what she's doing or head over to Carlo's no matter what time of day and hang out on his bed while Charles and Carlo play separate computer games yet both still manage to poke fun at me. I won't get texts at five o'clock on the dot asking "Dinner?" from Aimée, and I won't be at Adventure Time or Glee get-togethers. I won't be able to walk to breakfasts with Mark (and sometimes Joss), hearing about his crazy dreams while I quack at the ducks to make myself feel better that it's cold. I won't be an eleventh wheel anymore, which is cool, I guess, but because I didn't have Will there I could become a part of everyone else's relationships, which was really really cool. No more constant Youtube quotes at the lunch table. No more dreaming about Olan Rogers with the Wossle. Even living with Nique was made more bearable because I knew I could just go to Carlo's or Mark's or the Quad whenever I'd had enough. Basically the only thing I won't miss is Awkward Charles, but I'll still miss our crazy schemes (and codenames) that let us escape from his mustachioed grasp.
I am excited about going to State and living in the city and having Will within walking disctance, and I know I'll eventually have a great time there. I just haven't seen my SMCM friends all summer, and I know I'm at least partially to blame because I haven't really talked to them aside Facebook and random texts. And as my single-apartment, five-hours-away North Carolina life is revealing itself on the nearing horizon, I'm just really starting to realize how much I'm really, really going to miss my friends and my life at St. Mary's.
Also, I'm worried that my friends will stop talking to me after I leave like my friends from Slidell did. So there's that, too. Luckily I recently bought a Shakespeare Woot shirt, which will brighten my spirits. I also bought black and white polka dot towels. The end.

Itchies

So, my weird rash/hives thing has exploded over the past few days. I woke up yesterday morning and realized I'd been scratching in my sleep because I itched so badly, and so I was covered in hives all over my body. Fun times! It really makes me want to leave my house and be social. I went to the doctor today, and she referred me to an allergist for a skin test and she also gave me the newest kind of Zyrtec. Apparently, for reasons unknown to doctors, Zyrtec really helps with weird, unexplained hives and rashes, so hopefully this'll help me. She also said that regular allergies can turn into something like this when stress is added into the mix, which made me start to wonder if these started popping up when I found out about my "Pending" status from NCSU. Oh well. For now, I have Benadryl and Cortaid spray, and I'll start my Zyrtec once I wake up in the morning/afternoon.
It really sucks to itch all over. Hopefully this'll work, and even if it doesn't chemically work for me, maybe I'll have some placebo effect. Yeah for placebo effect!

I should probs be sleeping

But there's the internet.
Prom was last night. FUN TIMES. I didn't dance as much as I usually do. Grinding lost its appeal once I realized about a year ago that it's really boring, it's dry humping, and it's just a competition for girls to try to give guys erections for extended periods of time. Plus, there's the erection face on every guy while they're dancing, and it's much funnier to look at from afar than to take part in the action.
I kinda felt like a sock-hop girl from the fifties, though. Short dress and a hair-do on the side. I actually do own a poodle skirt. G's mom made it for me.
So Nique left her Psychology outline on my desk for some reason. She also moved a lot of the shit I left on my desk to the floor, like my washcloth. Oh, and she also broke my Swiffer duster like a bitch. At least she left my five bucks. It's comforting to share my space with an empty room.
...I guess I should probably sleep. Sigh.
G'night, lovely world with lovely people and lovely moments.

Where... where did this last week go?

Holy shit. I only have 5 more days, and I'm home for the summer. Well, this is freaking bizarre.
I've basically (hopefully) finished my Shakespeare final paper. I need to re-read it today, and I'll probably get Julie to read over it because she really helped me with my Psychology paper earlier in the semester. Then, tonight I have my sociology final (which I should probably study for tonight), and tomorrow I'm peacing out for home again so I can get all glammed up for Will's prom. I'm getting my first manicure and pedicure tomorrow, and then I'm getting my hair all done up on Saturday, and then it's time to go to his prom and after prom. Then, Sunday is Mother's Day, and after lunch I'll drive back here so that I can hang out Sunday night and Monday and take my Lit final and then spend Monday night hanging out and then drive back home on Tuesday with Carlo and all of his stuff.
Man, that's a busy few days. Oh well. It'll be fun.
Ha! I just turned to my left and saw a bunch of papers from my desk that I need to recycle. One of them is the roommate agreement sheet that we got at the beginning of the semester. It's only got my name on it and nothing else filled in. I find this hysterical.
Well, I should do some Phoenix work before I study for Sociology.
Huzzah for almost being done! Boo for having to be away from my friends.

Cold day, Wednesday

It's the last Wednesday of classes! That means that at 4:30, I will have no more Shakespeare, and at 7:50, I will have no more Lit. No more Shakespeare = sadness, no more Lit = ecstasy.
For the past few days I've been wearing the bracelet that Will gave me for Christmas. Pink sapphires are one of my favorite gems, probably because Mom gave me that ring on my 14th birthday. Man, I have such a connection with jewelry. I'm such a lady.
I suppose I should finally finish reading Hamlet, seeing as today's the last day of class and we're seeing the play in three days (holy crap three days!)
I'm still so stressed about NCSU, but last night I started thinking about what if I do get in. That would be such a huge change. I'd get my own place, I'd be in an actual city, and it would just be Will and me. That's such a bizarre thought. A cool thought, in an adult way, but that makes it even more of a bizarre thought for me. I'm not an adult, am I? I mean, I went to a sex toy party. I can go to clubs. I can buy my own place, if I really wanted to. I'm in college, for Pete's sake. I guess I am an adult. I've been so busy fearing NCSU's rejection letter that I completely forgot to consider the consequences of an acceptance letter. Weird.
Okay. Now for Hamlet.

Man, a whole week!

It's been a whole week since I updated. Lots going on, lots left to do. It's hard to keep track of everything, but let's document some stuff, shall we?
So, I'm onto my fourth week of Phoenix work out of five (and the fifth week is just the final exam and shit like that). Thank goodness. This stuff is just so time consuming, and, although the actual work isn't hard whatsoever, the grading process freaks me out. All of the things I turn in end up adding to 100 points. Thus, for every point I get off of a single assignment, that's one full point taken out of my 100 point grade. Right now I'm at 33.5/34 (which translates to 99.5/100) so I'm nerve-wracked about getting more wrong. Being a perfectionist is a debilitating condition.
This Saturday, Joss and I are going to see Hamlet at the Folger Shakespeare Library in DC. I keep forgetting about it, though, because of everything else going on, which is sad because I'm so excited to see it. So what generally happens is I'll be sad about not seeing Will and tunnel-focused because I'm doing work, and suddenly this Saturday will pop into my head and I get really happy, and then the cycle repeats itself. It's an interesting time.
I'm getting more and more nervous and anxious about my NCSU decision. I really don't want to get rejected. Yes, a main reason for my rejection-fear is that I want to be in Raleigh with Will next year (and that's a big reason), but I'm also so worried because I know if I get rejected it'll crush my self esteem that I've worked for so long to preserve. I remember last summer too well - just lying in my bed for days, my mom worrying about me, only leaving my house when I had therapy or when Geneva would come and make me get out of my bed. Those days are negative fun. They're terrible and awful, and I don't want to go back to them, but my self confidence can be such a shaky thing, especially my confidence in my intelligence (which I feel is a shaky thing in most people), and I know that I'll take an NCSU rejection as a jab at my intelligence and self worth. So there you go. In Psych, we learned that people are more prone to depression when they feel like they have no control over their life, so I've been fighting back depression for a while. It's just that more and more things keep happening that are outside of my control (deaths, hurricanes, college admissions, life in general).
Fun times! However, life is feeling pretty okay most of the time, and I really do love my friends here. They like my randomosity and ridiculousity, or at least they tolerate it, and it's really nice to feel loved and to love back.

GSD!

Taking care of business, one piece at a time. I only hope it ends up paying off in the end. I've put in too much hard work to be rejected now.
I turned in my Psych essay tonight after Julie looked over it for me one last time. That was so sweet of her =] I'm happy.
I miss the William already. It's hard having him here and then just suddenly not, like he was never actually here at all. Oh well. At least I have pictures.
I should put those pictures up tomorrow! And I should put up a couple of videos... yes, please.
This week will not suck. This week will not suck. Repeat my mantra.
Everything's going to be alright.

Hopefully this will help my writer's block

It's busy week for Caroline! At least I will be rewarded with a Will bearing presents in the end (and three less papers to write). I'm starting on my Shakespeare paper. I have my intro paragraph, and I really like it. I called Will and had him talk through some other ideas with me, so now I think I've got a pretty good ground to start the body of my paper. I just need to outline it and probably get off Facebook.
Stupid Facebook.
Goodness gracious was it nice to not sleep on an air mattress in Carlo and Charles' room last night. I actually got some sleep! I am happy. It's amazing how grumpy and irritible I get when I have no privacy. I mean, I have no privacy in my room either (Nique Nique Nique Nique) but at least occasionally she leaves the room so that I can break wind or sigh really loudly without being asked "Caroline, are you okay?" No, I'm not okay. Everyone except Charles and Abby are dating around here and snuggling and giggling and kissing and whispering, and all I have to connect me to Will is my cell phone which keeps dying on me after three minutes of conversations. And I hate to sound angry about this; I'm so happy that all of my friends have their significant others (who are also my friends) and so they can live happily and sexually satisfied and have someone on campus to comfort them when they're sad or to yell at when their angry or to sleep in their rooms when they don't want to go back to theirs. I'm just jealous of y'all. Really, really, remarkably jealous. I have the boyfriend. I have the love. I have the happy relationship. I just don't have the close proximity, and it's one of the most frustrating things in the world (almost as frustrating as a Rubix cube).
I guess tonight I'm just upset about how out of my control my fate for next semester is. I'm jumping through every hoop NCSU gives me. If they don't accept me, there's a good chance I won't leave my house all summer. And sadly, I'm not kidding.

The recent is decent

I like rhyming.

Lately things haven't been too hardcore bad, which is pretty good. Then again, maybe it's just everything seems tolerable when compared to my past couple of weeks, but whatever.

Will's in Slidell without me right now. I can't even begin to describe how bizarre that is. Slidell is my home, and Will is there helping out and working on the mission trip I started and ran for practically three years. He's at my old church, the church that I grew up in, and seeing my old friends and eating Sonic and Cici's and Ryan's and Times and beignets and gumbo like I used to all the time, and driving past CC's coffeehouse, LG's and my favorite place to get coffee. It's just really kinda sad how jealous I am of him right now and how much I miss him and how much I want to be there instead of doing silly old college work and going to silly little college classes.

Oh well. At least this week won't be too terrible.

I start my University of Phoenix class tomorrow. I sure hope I get an A in that class and that NC State sees how committed I am and doesn't make me jump through any more hoops and just accepts me as soon as possible, dammit.

Hey! It's beautiful outside! To wear pajama pants, a dress, or shorts... hmm... decisions, decisions.

Scary dreams and not knowing what day it is

Today is a GSD day (hopefully). Then again, most days are GSD days for me.

I just woke up from an intensely scary dream. I was back in Louisiana and yet still in Maryland (doesn't make sense) and I get a call from my orthodontist (not my real orthodontist in real life - just this 25-ear-old looking guy who looks kinda cute and kinda sleezy). My orthodontist then tells me how pretty I am or something, and then I'm riding in the passenger side of a car down Harpers Choice in HoCo, but nobody else is in the car. The orthodontist offers me a $10 meeting or something if I show up with no clothes, and I ask (teasingly) if I could get retainers for free, and then suddenly I get this bad feeling and I slide over to the driver's side of the car and start driving down the road when suddenly the guy appears next to me and tries to rape me while I'm still driving, and I try to get the attention of passing drivers but nothing works. Luckily, I woke up in time before there was anything actually happened. Ugh. Terrifying. It was in broad daylight, too.

So there's that.

And then I keep forgetting that it's almost the end of the week and that I should probably, oh I dunno, pack or something. This is just one of those weeks that feels like it will never end, but not because it's going so slowly, but because there was just so much going on.

To the shower! To the sink (to brush my teeth)! To the closet to put on pants!

I sure do hope that today's a good day. Maybe I'll wear my zebra shorts!

Let's see how much of a roller coaster we can make my life

Long title, I know, but oh-so truthful.

There is just utterly too much happening (and not happening) in my life right now. I never would've thought that transferring would be this freaking hard, not in a million years. I'm a good student, right? Why can't you just accept me, or at least give me a pat on the back and some sympathy for the fact that I need to take another course? It's not a very good feeling, knowing a school doesn't really want you and that they'll just take you if they have enough spaces. And I mean it's a really confidence-crushing feeling. At least Lou cheered me up a bit by boosting my self-esteem.

I just don't understand how so many roadblocks could occur for this simple situation. I can't get into NCSU because I don't have enough hours and I haven't taken a math course. Okay, that's cool, I'll just take a course at HCC. Oh, I can't because the class gets out too late. Okay, well I can deal with that and take a hella expensive online math course. Oh, the site crashes so I can't even sign up on time? And I have to wait for over two and a half hours in my room with my obnoxious-as-fuck roommate because the counselor who was helping me forgot to call me back and tell me I can't register right now anyway? Well, that's just fine and freaking dandy.

And I feel like such a whiner right now, and I hate it so much. I hate making people listen to me talk about my problems because I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems and that most people actually have to deal with worse shit than I do. I like the support that my friends give me - I just hate having to ask for it by being a whining bitch.

Well, I guess I should study some for Psych in the morning. At least Nique finally got off the phone after she'd been on it since 2PM. I've had to listen to her talk on the phone for over four hours today. Sigh.

When will it stop raining problems in the world?

Too-too much

I'm going to try writing a short post. We'll see if I succeed.

Life is just going insanely for me right now. E-mailing people, calling people, my mom constantly calling or texting me with "new game plans" for my future - it's a lot for a girl to handle. I'm supposed to set up an appointment with the woman in charge of SMCM housing so that we can talk about whether or not I'm allowed to sign up for a room for next year or something, and I have to go to advising for classes tomorrow. It's just frustrating not knowing what my future holds. Will knows he's going to NCSU with or without me. My friends here know that they're going to still be here with or without me.

(Side note: somebody needs to tell Julie about Carlo because she's going to flip a shit when she finds out, yet she's going to get so mad at everyone - especially Brad - that I don't know if it's our place to tell her)

It's just hard not knowing anything about my future right now, and all of this gets me into really dark and depressing territory, like summer territory which is no good because then I just don't leave my room and I'm sad all of the time. I don't like being sad all of the time.

But I've got to think optimistically. I'll get this U of Phoenix online credit, and my transcripts will get in on time, and NCSU will accept me, and besides - no matter what, I'm done rooming with Nique in six-weeks' time. Thank Jesus Almighty. I've come too close to strangling her recently.

G'night, world. G'night, friends. I hope tomorrow brings a sunnier, less terrible day.

Popeyes, overcast skies, and suspense

I greatly enjoy getting off campus and getting Popeyes with friends. It just helps to switch up the daily routine that I get stuck (and depressed) with, and it's a nice time to chat with my friends in a way that we really never can on campus because there's so much other stuff going on.

I'm wearing a dress! More importantly, I'm wearing a dress without shaving my legs or showering, and I still look good. Self-confidence is something that needs to be reshaped and revised every day, and I've expanded my confidence today. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I'm excited to meet Ed (Sis' boyfriend) this weekend. I've brought him up a few times at SMCM, but it's a difficult (and unnecessary) thing to discuss here. I'm just so excited that Sissy has a boyfriend. She hasn't had one in... man, almost five years? Maybe four. She's dated guys, but all they ever wanted from her was a booty call, and she was really starting to think she'd just be alone forever until she met Ed. Even if things don't work out with him in the end, at least he's proven to Sis that there are sweet guys her age that aren't just looking for some hit it and quit it.

Man, right now for me is just senior year on repeat. I check my NCSU application status every day. I'm so nervous that I won't get it, which I know is preposterous because 60% of transfer applicants are accepted, and I'm also overqualified for the school, but it's still nerve-racking that I'm not accepted yet. What do I tell my advisor? "Yeah, I'm transferring next year, and I don't have my acceptance yet, but don't worry. I'm not signing up for classes." I'm pretty sure I'm insane or something.

Stop. Stop it. I can't think pessimistically or else I'll actually go insane (again). Let's stray away from this topic.

I'm going to do Psych for tomorrow and then read for Lit for Monday. I'm on the ball! I'm on top of my game! I'm GSD!

And no, I won't think about bad things because they won't happen and that's that.

Been busy spending money and being lazy

Goodness, it's almost scary how much money I spend as soon as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer. I'm just so happy to get out of the house/off campus/back in Howard County that I end up spending tons of cash! I'm so lucky that my mom (and dad) are so generous and everything, but I'm worried I'm not really able to control it. I'm trying to stay in the house today (except I had a dentist appointment this morning and Will and Austin and I are going to a concert tonight) so that I don't end up going to the mall or to DSW (Da Shoe Warehouse, as Will calls it) or to Baskin Robbins or something. It's... it's a problem. A fun, terrifying, problematic problem. One good thing out of this, though, is I've spent a lot of time with my mom this week which usually doesn't happen AND I got my prom dress (and prom shoes)!

So yeah, I'm going to a concert with Will and Austin tonight. I bought tickets to Tobymac for Will and me for his Valentines Day present. Sadly, I'm not too excited, seeing as I don't really listen to Tobymac anymore ever since I slipped out of the church. I worry that tonight's concert may be too yeah-Jesus and boo-sinners. It's not that I'm not a Christian anymore - it's how I was raised, and the church is the one thing that got me through Katrina (even though later it decided to become a bitch). I'm just a much more liberal, open-minded Christian than most, and most of these Christian concerts are filled with hardcore, close-minded Christians (like I used to be) who will probably end up rubbing me the wrong way and I'll probably rub them the wrong way, too. At least I'll have Austin and Will both there; they've always been more tolerant of me and my crazy ways.

When I'm home, I have enough time to get depressed, which I find funny. Well, it's not really depressed (I'm not having many scary, sad thoughts) - it's more of that I'm lethargic. Incredibly lethargic. Oh, lazy Caroline. I'd rather lay in my bed, reading, sleeping, or surfing the web, than do most anything.

Weird week, weird life, rainy day

It's been a weird week - that's for sure. I haven't blogged in a few days because I didn't want to gossip, and I haven't been taking much time for me recently, which is sad because I don't have much to talk to Will about when I'm not focusing on me. Also, I couldn't sleep much last night because my fan was blowing onto my face and my wispy hairs were sticking to my cheeks. Gross and distracting. Boo.

But I get to see Will today! I'm happy about seeing Will. We'll see how happy I am to be home, though. Once you're (somewhat) independent, it's hard to go back to living in the same house as your parents (even though my parents are the chillest parents in the realm of good parenting). It just sucks having to text where I'm going and having to abide by their schedules. I hate being on other people's time, even Will's school schedule time. It just bothers me that I can't do what I want when I want it right now seeing as I won't have this privilege for a long time after I start working.

Gotta go get ready for the breakfast with the Markadelic. I hope it's not raining too badly.

Oh, friends

You know, I really don't like St. Mary's. I hate the wind. I hate the way the people here are so judgmental like high school. I hate the jocks, and I hate the pompous asshole smart kids. I hate the cold. I hate my roommate. I hate the limited class space. I hate how everyone is so studious all of the time. I hate the walk to Guam. I hate how there's no restaurants or malls around.

But, dammit, I'm really going to miss my friends. They are just so fraggin' awesome and wonderful. And I feel so badly because Will is haunted every day with the thought that he's taking me away from my friends, and I guess it's sort of true? But I'm making the decision, and I know it's the best decision for me, seeing as I love him and he's my main man and I hate not being able to see him every day, but I'm still going to miss my friends. He shouldn't worry so much about "taking me away" from my friends as much as he should be planning on me coming up and visit frequently (there's cheap flights from BWI to Raleigh!)

I should probably go take a shower. I'm driving in a car with Carlo for four hours (and Hayley for two hours) today, so I should probably feel fresh. Also, I have a sociology test, so we'll see how that goes. I also have writing all over my legs from last night! It's pretty beautiful. I don't know if it'll come off today in the shower. My favorite part is probably Mark's lobster playing them drums.

It's funny that I feel like this week is so terrible, but I only have three things to do really. Oh well. It's almost spring break, and then I get to hang out with my home friends and my SMCM friends and my family and my Will, so I'll be rejuvenated next week.

To the shower! Up, up, and away!

Oh, and side note? It's WARM AND SUNNY OUTSIDE! Thank friggin' Jesus.

Hey, look, a Tattoo post!

So I've been planning on getting a tattoo for almost four years now, really ever since Katrina hit. I want a fleur-de-lis on my uppermost right thigh (it's where I feel most balanced, and I can cover it up easily!)

I decided to Google "fleur-de-lis tattoo" this morning, and these are my favorites that I found:

It might be too intricate, but it's so pretty and has so much more depth.

I really love the way this one incorporates the purple, green, and gold, although I feel like that would end up wearing away sooner since it's all smudgy.

And I really like this one. It's just plain black and pewter, but I love the shadow and just the look of it. (It's on a foot in this picture)

So there you go. Before Katrina my family was kind of into fleur-de-lis, but ever since Katrina we're all a little obsessed. I feel like, for me, it just helps sum up my past, what will always remain in me (my childhood), and a reminder that life changes but that it always ends up being for the best, whether that is because I met Will or I'm not addicted to drugs or I got to meet all of my friends or I became closer to my family. There's a lot that came out of Katrina that was bad, but there was an equal amount of good, and I just want to remember that.

Plus, the fleur-de-lis is just a beautiful object and symbol, so there you go.

It's sunny! Huzzah!

I feel like I just did a victory lap or something. Today is pretty dang good.

1. It's sunny.

2. It's warmer than usual, and it's not as windy.

3. It feels like Sunday, but it's actually Saturday.

4. I went shopping yesterday with Mom and Will and bought two new pairs of shoes and some nice perfume. Now I have my own scent like Sis does.

5. I saw all of my old Atholton gang last night. I missed them so much.

6. I saw Will yesterday! It was short, but it was so nice. He refreshes me.

7. I get to hang out with my SMCM friends today!

8. It's only a week until spring break!

9. Did I mention it's sunny?

The weather really, extraordinarily affects my mood. Mom thinks it's SAD, but I don't know. I just don't like winter. I didn't mind it in Slidell that much because winter only lasts for about 5 weeks down there, but up here it takes forever for it to get warm again. Oh well. Spring's starting, finally, and I am a happy blue bird that I only have to wear one jacket today, and the sunlight can shine in my hair.

It's so nice to go back to Atholton this year. I just feel so loved and missed and appreciated. Last night, I hugged Jeremy and told him how much more beautiful his voice sounds every time I hear him and how I'm just so proud of him, and he thanked me for "whatever [I] did in Footloose." He's such a sweetheart. I'm glad I was tough on him last year, but I'm even happier that I love him so much now.

You know, I smell really good today. Props to me.

Well, I'm going to The Quad now for fun times and happiness.

Hey, world. You can be pretty dang cool sometimes. I appreciate days like these. They remind me how much more fun I have when I accept life as it comes instead of worrying about it constantly.

Headphones in my ears can't drown out my mind

I have headphones in my ears. Why? Because my roommate won't shut up on the phone, of course. But one good thing has come from it: by forcing me to shove headphones in my ears, I've remembered how music makes me feel things - sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes neutral, but it's different because it's an external force turned internal in a good way instead of an external force (like Nique's voice) making me feel internal feelings that I can't act on because I'm a civilized human being, such as wanting to kick her in the mouth . Like right now. She keeps kissing the phone while making the most obnoxious "Mwah" sound. It's scary how much I want her to fail out of college.

Turning up the volume on my computer now.

I'm listening to The New Pornographers that Mark sent me today. It's pretty good. I'm going to listen to it and Ted Leo (also a Mark-gift from today) and Electricidad by Jesse y Joy tomorrow while in the car. I'm probably going to need it. Life's just a bunch of fruit, and sometimes it's nice and sweet and other times it's sour and terrible. Right now... well, it's pretty sour.

One of my friends who got in the accident (the one who was unconscious at the scene) will need a neck brace for a few months, which means he can't shower or really brush his teeth or anything. His family's going to have to buy him a hospital bed, too. It just makes me so pissed that the girl who was driving was being so reckless. She didn't even get a ticket or anything - she got a citation for going over the yellow lines. She was going 70mph in a neighborhood! My friend is seriously injured because of her! I just feel so frustrated and angry with youth and teenagers and them thinking they're invincible. Guess what. We're not. In fact, we're ridiculously vulnerable, and you just decide to fuck up the people around you. Thanks a lot.

I guess I'm just having problems with humanity?

I'm also having problems with college students. Brad asked me what grades I wanted to teach (high school) and I started talking about why I wouldn't want to teach middle school or college students, and it just brought to the front of my mind feelings of anger that I have for college students, especially honors college students. None of my friends really act this way, but so many others do, and it just pisses me off to no end. They act like because they're at an honors college, they're the smartest, brightest, most promising children in the United States. They're condescending, they're judgmental, and they have absolutely no reason to be. We're all in the same boat here, people. We all got into the same school, which shows something for our intelligence (although there are some kids here on sports scholarships that should not be considered "honors students"). Stop trying to one-up everyone else. Stop trying to assert your own intelligence so everyone around you applauds and thinks more lowly of themselves. Be humble. Be friendly. Be accepting. Be courteous, for Pete's sake. I've found so many discourteous people here at St. Mary's (and in the north in general) and it just amazes me. How can you have no manners? How can you treat other human beings in such a way?

I guess that's just been building up in me for a while.

I get to go shopping with Mom tomorrow/today, and I get to see Will, and I get to see my AHS friends and my AHS children. It should be another eventful day. I'm not sure if I have the strength, both physically or mentally, but I guess we'll see.

Hey, world. Hey, God. I love you, even though sometimes you drag me farther and farther down.

G'night.

Tattered = Online Shopping

Gotta love feeling like life isn't worth getting out of bed and being worried that everyone around you is going to get in some horrific accident. It's a problem actually having so many friends because it gives me more people to worry about. It sucks because I was actually doing a really good job staying positive and keeping those thoughts out of my head (I haven't really had any since probably November) but with my Atholton kids getting in that crash, it reminded me of my own (and everyone's) mortality. So now I'm worried about my SMCM friends, my home friends, my parents, my family, my nieces, and Will. It's not the worse kind of worrying, though, luckily. It's not the constant reminder when crossing the street that I'm probably going to get hit by a car (again); it's more the just constant dulling of my emotions and this grayish mist that's in the back of my mind (and I can actually feel it in my head, which just proves once again that I, Caroline, have too overactive of an imagination).

Man, I hate being down.

Will says he can tell when I'm getting depressed because winter's going too long because I online browse constantly to try to cheer myself up, and he is completely true. I think I've been on every department store website and every jewelry website on the internet that isn't sketchtastic. Is it weird if online browsing is a hobby of mine? Then again, I'd probably say perverse joking is also a hobby of mine and a more prevalent one in my life at that.

I should get to sleep, though. I forgot until about thirty minutes ago that I have to go to a Psych study at 11:30 in the morning. Whoops.

Maybe I should make an appointment at the heath center with a therapist. Then again, I hate therapists because they always seem to look at parts of me and not all of me, and if you don't understand all of me, you can't understand my thinking, my problems with myself, or my ways of dealing with things. Breaking in a therapist is hard, anyway. I have friends here who could probably therapatize better than someone in the heath center, anyway, if I just didn't feel like such a weirdo talking about personal, serious things. And I have Will and my parents all the time to talk to, too. Yeah. I'm okay.

I just wish I weren't down and didn't have a roommate.

Porcelain and PTSD

Two things I feel like talking about:

1. I have really, really smooth, white skin, and so when I get even the tiniest of blemishes I feel like they're HUGE and stress over them and touch them all the time. It's a serious problem. I literally have two teeny tiny red dots, not even pimples, one of my cheek and the other near my chin, and I keep flipping out because I know that they're there and I can't do anything about them. It's so sad. I even tried putting some hand sanitizer on them to dry them out. I doubt it'll work.

2. So, I'm looking at PTSD in Hurricane Katrina victims for my psychology paper. I feel like it's a good thing I'm not going into psychology anymore like I used to think about in Louisiana because I would just spend all of my time on PTSD and thinking about how it's almost exactly like my life. It's a problem. But with PTSD and thinking about it and everything, I'm getting little flashbacks all of the time of things that I just forgot or purposefully blocked out of my memory from that year or so after Katrina. Like I just recently remembered about how I had a stalker in the spring of freshmen year. I totally forgot about that until Julie kept reminding me how AC only shows up when I'm there, but I had a guy basically stalk me my freshman year and I'd forgotten until now because I was still in such a haze from Katrina. He came up to me while I was walking home from school and he asked me about my life and I told him I was new to Maryland because of Katrina and everything, and he asked me if I wanted to go see a play or something and I told him no, and we went our separate ways a couple of streets down from my house. Then I went to my house. But about an hour later he shows up at my door, somehow knowing which house is mine all of a sudden, and for some reason I'm hiding (I think my mom already knew he was a creep or something when I first came home and told her about him. I was kinda dazed.) He tells my mom how I told him my entire life story and how I promised him that I was going to go to the play with him. I think he said something else about how we were dating and he'd known me for a while? And I for some reason remember him trying to get inside of my house or something, and my mom just said "No, I think you're mistaken. She declined your offer." and shut the door. I had to have two friends walk me home every day from school after that because I was afraid, and my friends were freaked out too. It was so scary. I'd see him in the hallways and avoid his gaze. I'd purposefully dress in blah ways so that he wouldn't notice me, hoping I'd just fade into the background. I'd avoid him at all costs, even if it meant being late for class or having Mom pick me up from school. I never realized why I felt so creeped out by AC until I remembered this because I do the same thing with AC. I try to avoid him, but it's so hard because he's in one of my classes and I live on campus and there's no real way to get him to not sit with us at dinner because there's only a certain amount of time that I can eat dinner because of my schedule. I constantly dress down, which is partly for comfort but I find myself not ever wearing even slightly low-cut shirts because I don't want him to look at me. I want to just fade into the background, but it's not in my personality. I just wish I had a shield or something. And I would bring it up with my friends (I did tell Julie. She felt badly.) except I don't want to make it this big thing. He doesn't know where I live. He doesn't know where Carlo or Julie live. I'm safe in my room or their rooms. I'm just nervous and jittery and scared everywhere else I go. And I know that AC isn't actually a threat (although sometimes I worry that he's going to shoot up the school one day). He's not violent and he's not a big guy. It's just nice to know that this isn't a completely mean or irrational fear - I've felt incredibly threatened before, and this is just that bleeding through into another part of my life.

I just wish Will were here to protect me and make all of the bad people go away. He'd keep me safe no matter where I was.

Come to think of it, I have been having a lot of flashbacks recently, or at least more than usual. Weird.

Roommates

Yeah, I thought of something better and more relevant to talk about. I didn't want to blog about it tonight because I didn't want to get angry, but it's just a problem.

I hate my roommate.

She's obnoxious and terrible and inconsiderate. She's on the phone constantly with either her boyfriend or her mother. She talks in baby talk to him while playing online Facebook games while I'm genuinely trying to get homework done. Why doesn't she hang out with her friends? When I'm not doing work, I'm always hanging out with my friends. But no. She's on the phone constantly.

It is just so frustrating having such an inconsiderate roommate. She even asked me earlier in the semester if her being on the phone bothers me, and I told her yes, and yet hardly anything has changed.

Of course, I'm too considerate to say anything about it usually, so I just go on bubbling and seething inside, getting dangerously close to snapping and yanking the phone out of her ear.

But so goes life. Hopefully next year I'll have a single and only share my room with Will, and then everything will be okay. I'll sleep when I want, do homework when I want, invite company over when I want, and everything will be fine.

Oh, that will be one blessed, glorious day.

Some Family Time

This weekend I went home to see Will and the family, and it never ceases to amaze me just how weird and bizarre my family is and how bizarre I am, too. I feel like I have such a crazy history and ancestry, and I am just another crazy person in my already crazy family. I feel like writing about it.

I tried writing about my grandparents and ancestry and everything, and maybe I'll do that later, but for now I'll just stick to my immediate family and how they've impacted me as a person:

1. My dad - My dad is the happiest man I have ever met, which is really weird to think about because he had to kill a bunch of people while in the Navy for 22 years. He retired as a commander when I was 6. He was a straight up pimp in high school, dating an unimaginable amount of women, including sisters and best friends and the only Jewish girl at his private, Christian school. Dad went to the Naval Academy on a soccer scholarship, got mad at the soccer coach, went to play some football, and got offered a spot as kicker on the Navy football team by the coach in the same day. He got kicked out of the Naval Academy in his first year because he failed so terribly, but the officials liked him so much that they told him to bring up his grades in a civilian college and he'd get re-appointed, something that had hardly ever happened and has very rarely happened since then. When Dad was busy bringing his grades back up, he met Mom while coaching the soccer team Mom was a cheerleader for. The first night he really met her, he took her away from her date and stayed at her house until 5AM. When he went home, he told my Grammy that he'd met the girl he was going to marry. My dad says that he's only been truly sad twice in his life: when he and Mom had a miscarriage (Chisolm) and when his dad died. That's it. Other than that, my dad's always happy. He made me the hard-headed girl that I am today. He told me I'm never allowed to give up on myself or my studies. He had the requirement for me and my siblings that we must be eligible to go to the Naval Academy when we graduate(d) high school. Most importantly, though, my dad taught me to be random and commanding. His thought process is as crazy as my own, although his thoughts are much more logical. He taught me how to be a leader and how to manipulate and lead people to get what I want.

I guess this will just be a post about my dad because I am tired as anything right now.

Maybe I'll have a post for each of my family members. Maybe I'll delete this in the morning. We'll see.

Counting them down

I'm ready ready ready ready ready for some Will in my life.

(side note: I totally just heard someone burp incredibly loudly out in my hallway.)

He just makes everything better and more manageable and okay, and I want what some of my friends here have in their boyfriends or girlfriends: a super incredible all-the-times back up system, someone to rejuvenate you when you're down and help you out whenever possible, someone to make you smile all of the time, someone to nap with and to bring you food when you're sick and to spend time with you when you're stressed and overworked and sad. The tough thing is that I have this person - Will does all of that for me and more. There's just a hundred or so miles between us that's keeping us from being able to run at 100% capacity.

I guess I'm just looking forward - really looking forward - to having my man around so I don't go back to my dorm room alone every night only to get more and more down because of my obnoxious roommate and lots of work.

Skipping Class

So I'm skipping class for the first time this semester tonight (my Intro to Lit class). It's funny because I really shouldn't be going because I'm so sick and I've overworked myself so much today, but I feel like such a bad person for skipping. I don't know if it's the teacher in me, the student in me, or the disciplined daughter in me that makes me feel the way that I do, but I just feel terrible skipping class. I feel like I'm wasting the tens of thousands of dollars my parents are spending on my education; I feel like I'm letting myself down by not opening myself to every possible available opportunity to learn and grow. However, it's also difficult, seeing as I don't feel challenged in any of my classes but one (my Shakespeare class) this semester. The other three of my classes are intro level, and I just really don't feel like I'm learning anything. Psychology is interesting, but I've already learned a lot of it in Psych AP last year. I'm not learning anything in sociology seeing as my professor is too smart in the field and thus just rambles on about unimportant things that only vaguely pertain to the class and hardly ever pertain to the tests we take. Although my Intro to Lit professor seems like a sweet guy, the entire class is discussion based, and so when the class isn't interested in the book we're reading or in the class itself, the level of education suffers and I don't end up learning anything about literature except that some people just don't understand it and some people just like talking about how they see themselves in literature. Shakespeare: Sex and Gender is the only class that I really feel challenged in. It's both discussion and lecture based, allowing us to explore our ideas about certain Shakespeare plays but also allowing us to learn from a Shakespeare scholar who has worked with these plays for many years and learned from many other Shakespeare scholars. I feel like I'm accomplishing and growing and learning in that class.

Wow, am I a nerd. I'm definitely not a good college student. I guess I just don't understand people who don't try to learn, try to get the best possible grade that they can and to do the best possible work. We're spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in this education. Is it really just to get a certain slip of paper so that we can work in jobs that most of us probably won't end up happy in, or is it to learn from people older, more experienced, and wiser than us so that we can take their knowledge and mold it and apply it to our own lives and the experiences that we see and face every day? I like to think it's the latter, although I know too many people who find it to be the former.

I guess this is something I'll have to battle later on in life in my classroom.

Oh, Mardi Gras

It really shouldn't surprise me much that I'd be sad and sick on Mardi Gras. 1. It's a holiday, and I'm almost always sick on holidays, and 2. it reminds me of Slidell, and how I'm not there, which usually makes me sad. Luckily, I'm not as sad as I usually am because I'm realizing how much I love my friends here at St. Mary's and how much they love me (and also how much Will and I love each other, which this weekend really helped to prove).

These people are the first group of friends that I've actually believed I can stay friends with and will want to stay friends with for the rest of my life, and it feels really good and really weird that I can think that soundly. I'm only still friends with one person from the Dell (LG, obviously), and, although I'm still friends with a few of my Atholton friends, most of them generally never saw more than a couple of sides of me, and thus I can't really talk to them about my life in its entirety. My SMCM friends understand me and tolerate me and like me. They think it's cool that I'm insane and bizarre and creepy and loud. Although I haven't really shown my sad self to most of them, I know that I could if I needed to and they wouldn't really change their minds about me. It's so relieving to be able to know that my friend actually like me and to not have to worry about impressing them or constantly being funny or constantly being motherly or constantly being the nerd. My selves and my feelings can just flow wherever they want like the tide (or like a huge ginormous wave, as they are wont to do) and my friends will watch me and engage with me and love me.

I'm really thankful for that on a day like today.