Quotes

So I StumbledUpon this random girl's tumblr account, and she said two awesome (albeit somewhat depressing) quotes that I really identify with.

"I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next day had suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue." - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."

"You know why it's hard to be happy? Because you find it hard to let go of the things that make you sad."

DON'T PANIC

Up late interneting for no particular reason except that I don't feel like going to sleep yet even though I should.
So let me clear up some thing, just in case you didn't already know: I don't like waiting. In fact, I absolutely hate waiting because when I wait for something, I start planning for that something, and things never turn out the way they're supposed to.
Let me repeat: never do they turn out the way they're supposed to.
So I should just stop making plans, right? But then I have nothing to look forward to, and for me, having nothing to look forward to equates with having no reason to get out of bed.
Drama drama drama. It's flying through my head. There is so much to take care of, so much planning to do - for tomorrow, for this weekend, for next week, for next semester, for next year, for the rest of my life. For so long I thought that I wanted to find someone to love me forever in a way I'd never thought I could experience. And I still want that, but with all of this waiting for that to happen, more things pop up that I feel the impulse to do.
For too long, I locked myself away and made my decisions solely based on whether or not it would mean I could be with someone forever. Years ago, I got rid of my self esteem because that's how teenage girls find guys. More recently, I dropped one of the best situations I'd ever found in hopes that I'd feel wanted and loved for the rest of my life.
Plans never work out the way they're supposed to.
So now, I'm trying to not lock myself into one idea, but with all of this waiting comes all of this planning, but the planning is futile because it doesn't matter.
You know what does matter? Tattoos. Tattoos stay with you. And I want some badly. Charles inspired my most recent idea: DON'T PANIC (one word on each wrist). It's one of the mottos from The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's also one of my favorite songs (by Coldplay), and it's a phrase that I repeat to myself every time life takes unexpected, unwanted, and unfair turns.
I painted my nails red today. I've started working out, but working out just makes me more self conscious which makes no sense.
I just want my tattoos, please. Maybe as a Christmas present from my parents.

Friday Night in Raleigh

Mumford & Sons makes me so happy and simultaneously makes me sad. It makes me happy because I love their music, but it makes me sad because my favorite place to listen to Mumford & Sons is lying on Carlo and Charles' floor when I'm really tired.
I've found the best method for getting through this year (at least thus far) is having countdowns for when I'll be back in St. Mary's. Today, it's sixteen days, which means tomorrow it will be fifteen days, and the next day it will be fourteen days. It's nice to be able to just wait 24 hours and then be that much closer, if that makes any sense.
It also helps to stay busy on the weekends. So this weekend, G's coming to visit me, and I'm really excited for that. And then next weekend, I'm going to Louisiana to see my best friend LG. I haven't seen him or been to Louisiana in over a year and a half, so I'm really excited about that as well. I'll get to have beignets and red beans and rice and gumbo and a Mochassippi from CC's, and I'll get to catch up with LG and play video games and watch movies and maybe even see old friends from Louisiana who I don't talk to anymore. And then, just six days after getting back from Louisiana, I'll be at St. Mary's for Halloween, dressed up like an awesome Iron Man.
See? Thinking positive. I'm Optimist Prime. Now, undoubtedly I'll be sad sometimes because I'm not in my favorite place in the world with a majority of my favorite people in the world, but at least I have some hopeful thoughts to keep me company while I count down the days.

Regret

I've never actually regretted a decision so much in my life. I think that moving down to Raleigh might be one of my biggest regrets of my whole life. And now I have to get up and go to class instead of laying around and playing video games and going kayaking with the people that I love so much and who actually, genuinely love me back.
This is going to be such a hard freaking year. But I guess I'll reason with myself - if I don't go to class and get the best grades I possibly can, then I should just drop out and live with the Brothers C, which isn't exactly going to get me back into SMCM next year... so I should get out of bed and go to class.
I just wish I could turn back time with the knowledge I have now - that Will wasn't worth this move at all, that y'all make me feel like I'm the best person I could be, and that the feeling of amazing relief every time I turn the bend around the river at St. Mary's means that SMCM is truly my home and I should never leave it.
I love you guys. Sorry for the depressing post, but it was written by a pretty depressed person.

EDIT: Although I'm still really sad, I feel a little better because I've already started planning my next trip up to SMCM, so it gives me something to look forward to.