Let's see how much of a roller coaster we can make my life

Long title, I know, but oh-so truthful.

There is just utterly too much happening (and not happening) in my life right now. I never would've thought that transferring would be this freaking hard, not in a million years. I'm a good student, right? Why can't you just accept me, or at least give me a pat on the back and some sympathy for the fact that I need to take another course? It's not a very good feeling, knowing a school doesn't really want you and that they'll just take you if they have enough spaces. And I mean it's a really confidence-crushing feeling. At least Lou cheered me up a bit by boosting my self-esteem.

I just don't understand how so many roadblocks could occur for this simple situation. I can't get into NCSU because I don't have enough hours and I haven't taken a math course. Okay, that's cool, I'll just take a course at HCC. Oh, I can't because the class gets out too late. Okay, well I can deal with that and take a hella expensive online math course. Oh, the site crashes so I can't even sign up on time? And I have to wait for over two and a half hours in my room with my obnoxious-as-fuck roommate because the counselor who was helping me forgot to call me back and tell me I can't register right now anyway? Well, that's just fine and freaking dandy.

And I feel like such a whiner right now, and I hate it so much. I hate making people listen to me talk about my problems because I know I'm not the only person in the world with problems and that most people actually have to deal with worse shit than I do. I like the support that my friends give me - I just hate having to ask for it by being a whining bitch.

Well, I guess I should study some for Psych in the morning. At least Nique finally got off the phone after she'd been on it since 2PM. I've had to listen to her talk on the phone for over four hours today. Sigh.

When will it stop raining problems in the world?

Too-too much

I'm going to try writing a short post. We'll see if I succeed.

Life is just going insanely for me right now. E-mailing people, calling people, my mom constantly calling or texting me with "new game plans" for my future - it's a lot for a girl to handle. I'm supposed to set up an appointment with the woman in charge of SMCM housing so that we can talk about whether or not I'm allowed to sign up for a room for next year or something, and I have to go to advising for classes tomorrow. It's just frustrating not knowing what my future holds. Will knows he's going to NCSU with or without me. My friends here know that they're going to still be here with or without me.

(Side note: somebody needs to tell Julie about Carlo because she's going to flip a shit when she finds out, yet she's going to get so mad at everyone - especially Brad - that I don't know if it's our place to tell her)

It's just hard not knowing anything about my future right now, and all of this gets me into really dark and depressing territory, like summer territory which is no good because then I just don't leave my room and I'm sad all of the time. I don't like being sad all of the time.

But I've got to think optimistically. I'll get this U of Phoenix online credit, and my transcripts will get in on time, and NCSU will accept me, and besides - no matter what, I'm done rooming with Nique in six-weeks' time. Thank Jesus Almighty. I've come too close to strangling her recently.

G'night, world. G'night, friends. I hope tomorrow brings a sunnier, less terrible day.

Popeyes, overcast skies, and suspense

I greatly enjoy getting off campus and getting Popeyes with friends. It just helps to switch up the daily routine that I get stuck (and depressed) with, and it's a nice time to chat with my friends in a way that we really never can on campus because there's so much other stuff going on.

I'm wearing a dress! More importantly, I'm wearing a dress without shaving my legs or showering, and I still look good. Self-confidence is something that needs to be reshaped and revised every day, and I've expanded my confidence today. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I'm excited to meet Ed (Sis' boyfriend) this weekend. I've brought him up a few times at SMCM, but it's a difficult (and unnecessary) thing to discuss here. I'm just so excited that Sissy has a boyfriend. She hasn't had one in... man, almost five years? Maybe four. She's dated guys, but all they ever wanted from her was a booty call, and she was really starting to think she'd just be alone forever until she met Ed. Even if things don't work out with him in the end, at least he's proven to Sis that there are sweet guys her age that aren't just looking for some hit it and quit it.

Man, right now for me is just senior year on repeat. I check my NCSU application status every day. I'm so nervous that I won't get it, which I know is preposterous because 60% of transfer applicants are accepted, and I'm also overqualified for the school, but it's still nerve-racking that I'm not accepted yet. What do I tell my advisor? "Yeah, I'm transferring next year, and I don't have my acceptance yet, but don't worry. I'm not signing up for classes." I'm pretty sure I'm insane or something.

Stop. Stop it. I can't think pessimistically or else I'll actually go insane (again). Let's stray away from this topic.

I'm going to do Psych for tomorrow and then read for Lit for Monday. I'm on the ball! I'm on top of my game! I'm GSD!

And no, I won't think about bad things because they won't happen and that's that.

Been busy spending money and being lazy

Goodness, it's almost scary how much money I spend as soon as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer. I'm just so happy to get out of the house/off campus/back in Howard County that I end up spending tons of cash! I'm so lucky that my mom (and dad) are so generous and everything, but I'm worried I'm not really able to control it. I'm trying to stay in the house today (except I had a dentist appointment this morning and Will and Austin and I are going to a concert tonight) so that I don't end up going to the mall or to DSW (Da Shoe Warehouse, as Will calls it) or to Baskin Robbins or something. It's... it's a problem. A fun, terrifying, problematic problem. One good thing out of this, though, is I've spent a lot of time with my mom this week which usually doesn't happen AND I got my prom dress (and prom shoes)!

So yeah, I'm going to a concert with Will and Austin tonight. I bought tickets to Tobymac for Will and me for his Valentines Day present. Sadly, I'm not too excited, seeing as I don't really listen to Tobymac anymore ever since I slipped out of the church. I worry that tonight's concert may be too yeah-Jesus and boo-sinners. It's not that I'm not a Christian anymore - it's how I was raised, and the church is the one thing that got me through Katrina (even though later it decided to become a bitch). I'm just a much more liberal, open-minded Christian than most, and most of these Christian concerts are filled with hardcore, close-minded Christians (like I used to be) who will probably end up rubbing me the wrong way and I'll probably rub them the wrong way, too. At least I'll have Austin and Will both there; they've always been more tolerant of me and my crazy ways.

When I'm home, I have enough time to get depressed, which I find funny. Well, it's not really depressed (I'm not having many scary, sad thoughts) - it's more of that I'm lethargic. Incredibly lethargic. Oh, lazy Caroline. I'd rather lay in my bed, reading, sleeping, or surfing the web, than do most anything.

Weird week, weird life, rainy day

It's been a weird week - that's for sure. I haven't blogged in a few days because I didn't want to gossip, and I haven't been taking much time for me recently, which is sad because I don't have much to talk to Will about when I'm not focusing on me. Also, I couldn't sleep much last night because my fan was blowing onto my face and my wispy hairs were sticking to my cheeks. Gross and distracting. Boo.

But I get to see Will today! I'm happy about seeing Will. We'll see how happy I am to be home, though. Once you're (somewhat) independent, it's hard to go back to living in the same house as your parents (even though my parents are the chillest parents in the realm of good parenting). It just sucks having to text where I'm going and having to abide by their schedules. I hate being on other people's time, even Will's school schedule time. It just bothers me that I can't do what I want when I want it right now seeing as I won't have this privilege for a long time after I start working.

Gotta go get ready for the breakfast with the Markadelic. I hope it's not raining too badly.

Oh, friends

You know, I really don't like St. Mary's. I hate the wind. I hate the way the people here are so judgmental like high school. I hate the jocks, and I hate the pompous asshole smart kids. I hate the cold. I hate my roommate. I hate the limited class space. I hate how everyone is so studious all of the time. I hate the walk to Guam. I hate how there's no restaurants or malls around.

But, dammit, I'm really going to miss my friends. They are just so fraggin' awesome and wonderful. And I feel so badly because Will is haunted every day with the thought that he's taking me away from my friends, and I guess it's sort of true? But I'm making the decision, and I know it's the best decision for me, seeing as I love him and he's my main man and I hate not being able to see him every day, but I'm still going to miss my friends. He shouldn't worry so much about "taking me away" from my friends as much as he should be planning on me coming up and visit frequently (there's cheap flights from BWI to Raleigh!)

I should probably go take a shower. I'm driving in a car with Carlo for four hours (and Hayley for two hours) today, so I should probably feel fresh. Also, I have a sociology test, so we'll see how that goes. I also have writing all over my legs from last night! It's pretty beautiful. I don't know if it'll come off today in the shower. My favorite part is probably Mark's lobster playing them drums.

It's funny that I feel like this week is so terrible, but I only have three things to do really. Oh well. It's almost spring break, and then I get to hang out with my home friends and my SMCM friends and my family and my Will, so I'll be rejuvenated next week.

To the shower! Up, up, and away!

Oh, and side note? It's WARM AND SUNNY OUTSIDE! Thank friggin' Jesus.

Hey, look, a Tattoo post!

So I've been planning on getting a tattoo for almost four years now, really ever since Katrina hit. I want a fleur-de-lis on my uppermost right thigh (it's where I feel most balanced, and I can cover it up easily!)

I decided to Google "fleur-de-lis tattoo" this morning, and these are my favorites that I found:

It might be too intricate, but it's so pretty and has so much more depth.

I really love the way this one incorporates the purple, green, and gold, although I feel like that would end up wearing away sooner since it's all smudgy.

And I really like this one. It's just plain black and pewter, but I love the shadow and just the look of it. (It's on a foot in this picture)

So there you go. Before Katrina my family was kind of into fleur-de-lis, but ever since Katrina we're all a little obsessed. I feel like, for me, it just helps sum up my past, what will always remain in me (my childhood), and a reminder that life changes but that it always ends up being for the best, whether that is because I met Will or I'm not addicted to drugs or I got to meet all of my friends or I became closer to my family. There's a lot that came out of Katrina that was bad, but there was an equal amount of good, and I just want to remember that.

Plus, the fleur-de-lis is just a beautiful object and symbol, so there you go.

It's sunny! Huzzah!

I feel like I just did a victory lap or something. Today is pretty dang good.

1. It's sunny.

2. It's warmer than usual, and it's not as windy.

3. It feels like Sunday, but it's actually Saturday.

4. I went shopping yesterday with Mom and Will and bought two new pairs of shoes and some nice perfume. Now I have my own scent like Sis does.

5. I saw all of my old Atholton gang last night. I missed them so much.

6. I saw Will yesterday! It was short, but it was so nice. He refreshes me.

7. I get to hang out with my SMCM friends today!

8. It's only a week until spring break!

9. Did I mention it's sunny?

The weather really, extraordinarily affects my mood. Mom thinks it's SAD, but I don't know. I just don't like winter. I didn't mind it in Slidell that much because winter only lasts for about 5 weeks down there, but up here it takes forever for it to get warm again. Oh well. Spring's starting, finally, and I am a happy blue bird that I only have to wear one jacket today, and the sunlight can shine in my hair.

It's so nice to go back to Atholton this year. I just feel so loved and missed and appreciated. Last night, I hugged Jeremy and told him how much more beautiful his voice sounds every time I hear him and how I'm just so proud of him, and he thanked me for "whatever [I] did in Footloose." He's such a sweetheart. I'm glad I was tough on him last year, but I'm even happier that I love him so much now.

You know, I smell really good today. Props to me.

Well, I'm going to The Quad now for fun times and happiness.

Hey, world. You can be pretty dang cool sometimes. I appreciate days like these. They remind me how much more fun I have when I accept life as it comes instead of worrying about it constantly.

Headphones in my ears can't drown out my mind

I have headphones in my ears. Why? Because my roommate won't shut up on the phone, of course. But one good thing has come from it: by forcing me to shove headphones in my ears, I've remembered how music makes me feel things - sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes neutral, but it's different because it's an external force turned internal in a good way instead of an external force (like Nique's voice) making me feel internal feelings that I can't act on because I'm a civilized human being, such as wanting to kick her in the mouth . Like right now. She keeps kissing the phone while making the most obnoxious "Mwah" sound. It's scary how much I want her to fail out of college.

Turning up the volume on my computer now.

I'm listening to The New Pornographers that Mark sent me today. It's pretty good. I'm going to listen to it and Ted Leo (also a Mark-gift from today) and Electricidad by Jesse y Joy tomorrow while in the car. I'm probably going to need it. Life's just a bunch of fruit, and sometimes it's nice and sweet and other times it's sour and terrible. Right now... well, it's pretty sour.

One of my friends who got in the accident (the one who was unconscious at the scene) will need a neck brace for a few months, which means he can't shower or really brush his teeth or anything. His family's going to have to buy him a hospital bed, too. It just makes me so pissed that the girl who was driving was being so reckless. She didn't even get a ticket or anything - she got a citation for going over the yellow lines. She was going 70mph in a neighborhood! My friend is seriously injured because of her! I just feel so frustrated and angry with youth and teenagers and them thinking they're invincible. Guess what. We're not. In fact, we're ridiculously vulnerable, and you just decide to fuck up the people around you. Thanks a lot.

I guess I'm just having problems with humanity?

I'm also having problems with college students. Brad asked me what grades I wanted to teach (high school) and I started talking about why I wouldn't want to teach middle school or college students, and it just brought to the front of my mind feelings of anger that I have for college students, especially honors college students. None of my friends really act this way, but so many others do, and it just pisses me off to no end. They act like because they're at an honors college, they're the smartest, brightest, most promising children in the United States. They're condescending, they're judgmental, and they have absolutely no reason to be. We're all in the same boat here, people. We all got into the same school, which shows something for our intelligence (although there are some kids here on sports scholarships that should not be considered "honors students"). Stop trying to one-up everyone else. Stop trying to assert your own intelligence so everyone around you applauds and thinks more lowly of themselves. Be humble. Be friendly. Be accepting. Be courteous, for Pete's sake. I've found so many discourteous people here at St. Mary's (and in the north in general) and it just amazes me. How can you have no manners? How can you treat other human beings in such a way?

I guess that's just been building up in me for a while.

I get to go shopping with Mom tomorrow/today, and I get to see Will, and I get to see my AHS friends and my AHS children. It should be another eventful day. I'm not sure if I have the strength, both physically or mentally, but I guess we'll see.

Hey, world. Hey, God. I love you, even though sometimes you drag me farther and farther down.

G'night.

Tattered = Online Shopping

Gotta love feeling like life isn't worth getting out of bed and being worried that everyone around you is going to get in some horrific accident. It's a problem actually having so many friends because it gives me more people to worry about. It sucks because I was actually doing a really good job staying positive and keeping those thoughts out of my head (I haven't really had any since probably November) but with my Atholton kids getting in that crash, it reminded me of my own (and everyone's) mortality. So now I'm worried about my SMCM friends, my home friends, my parents, my family, my nieces, and Will. It's not the worse kind of worrying, though, luckily. It's not the constant reminder when crossing the street that I'm probably going to get hit by a car (again); it's more the just constant dulling of my emotions and this grayish mist that's in the back of my mind (and I can actually feel it in my head, which just proves once again that I, Caroline, have too overactive of an imagination).

Man, I hate being down.

Will says he can tell when I'm getting depressed because winter's going too long because I online browse constantly to try to cheer myself up, and he is completely true. I think I've been on every department store website and every jewelry website on the internet that isn't sketchtastic. Is it weird if online browsing is a hobby of mine? Then again, I'd probably say perverse joking is also a hobby of mine and a more prevalent one in my life at that.

I should get to sleep, though. I forgot until about thirty minutes ago that I have to go to a Psych study at 11:30 in the morning. Whoops.

Maybe I should make an appointment at the heath center with a therapist. Then again, I hate therapists because they always seem to look at parts of me and not all of me, and if you don't understand all of me, you can't understand my thinking, my problems with myself, or my ways of dealing with things. Breaking in a therapist is hard, anyway. I have friends here who could probably therapatize better than someone in the heath center, anyway, if I just didn't feel like such a weirdo talking about personal, serious things. And I have Will and my parents all the time to talk to, too. Yeah. I'm okay.

I just wish I weren't down and didn't have a roommate.