Oh, Sweet Jesus

I greatly enjoy my life right now, regardless of the overabundance of interesting complications. I like staying up late with my friends. I like knowing that I'm going home in just a few short weeks (22 days!). I like giving presents and getting presents and getting all fancy for pictures where I look absolutely banging (overconfidence can be better than no confidence). I like having possibilities for my future. I like having friends that care so much about me. I like having the opportunity to be myself in any situation and to not give a damn about the opinions of others.
But here's the thing - all of those things are something that I can control, a mindset about life. Then there are other things that I can't control, like other people. And although I don't care what other people's opinions of me are, I do care about other people's feelings in general, and when something is wrong and I am completely powerless to change it... that presents massive complications.
But, no worries. It's almost Christmas!

It Worked Out

I've finished my finals. I've moved out of my apartment. I've hung out with my friends. I've made fun plans for the break. I've bought most of everyone's presents. And, most of all, I've been given a second chance. I can't believe I actually made it through this semester, and, not only did I make it through, I fixed things. I turned things around. I made things happen. In a month, I'll be home, being dorky at transfer orientation and waiting for my best friends to come join me back home.
I'm just so excited for the future, and I haven't felt this way in such a long time.

Misery Loves Company

I find it amazing how (at least it seems like) when one person is really sad, there is a domino effect, and soon almost everyone is sad. It's quite the upsetting phenomenon, the contagiousness of despair.
I also don't like when things don't go according to plan, and I'm not where I need to be to hug and to cuddle and to comfort. And yes, in a month I'll be back and finally able to reclaim my motherhood of the gang, but by that time these problems will probably have passed, and right now is when certain friends need me the most.

Oh, Money

I wish I was rich. And I know that is a terrible thing to wish because money won't buy you happiness, but I'm already pretty happy with my life, and I'd like to buy things for myself and for others. If I were rich, I could have a complete wardrobe. I could buy my friends the best Christmas presents and not have to worry about the cost. I could pay my parents for the money they'll lose on my apartment. I could donate to charities and to hospitals and to relief efforts.
I just feel like life would be easier if I had more money. And as terrible as it is to wish that, I know that it's true - life would be easier. But at least I have friends that love me despite my somewhat silly presents because they know I invest meaning and love in each present I buy.

Early Morning.... Sigh

So I'm up ridonkulously early (6:45) because of my history final. Last night, while studying with Erin, we realized that we only have to get a 55% on this exam to get a B... I guess it's bad that we basically stopped studying then, but whatever. Then I taught Erin's boyfriend a quick run through of everything Spanish related for his final today, and it was fun because he had actually cooked Erin and me dinner earlier in the night.
I guess I'm writing about last night because it felt so nice to have real friends down here. I'd never really allowed myself to get close to anyone in my past few months in Raleigh, but it was nice to just hang out at someone's apartment and laugh and stress and chill. And I'm still absolutely effing thrilled to come back to St. Mary's; it's just nice to know that I've made a lasting impression on some people down here, and they want me to come back and visit because I'm an amazing person. It's a confidence booster right there.
O Internet Universe, wish me luck on my stupid history final.

Self-Consciousness For The Lose

Hey! Hey you! Why are you so down? Oh, because sometimes life seems like a desolate black hole where nothing you ever do will end up with you being truly happy? Yeah. That happens sometimes. But luckily things will look better eventually like they always do.
I really do make problems for myself. As soon as one really good thing happens (me getting accepted to go back to SMCM) I start creating other problems for myself (self-consciousness and clinginess). I really need to work on this, and I'm trying to just ignore it, but ignoring my low self confidence and my clinginess makes me crave attention even more. It's a stupid cycle that will hopefully cease soon so I can get on with my damn life.
I just want to go and run for a few weeks straight, lose thirty pounds, and get a new wardrobe. And I need to stop thinking about shit that I can't control. That would probably be the most helpful of things.
I always get myself into these messes. Now I'm realizing it's because I feel the need for the self-pity from them.

Eventful Times

I couldn't blog much last week because I was so excited and I didn't want to hint about my secret and ruin the surprise.
Yes, internet who doesn't read my blog, I'm going back home, and it's exciting as fuck. About the only not exciting thing there is about this whole ordeal is that it's balls cold in Maryland, but at least I'll have my friends to cuddle with for warmth.
And now time seems to be moving so quickly and so slowly at the same time. I really just don't give a damn about finals, which is probably why I have yet to really study for my chemistry final that is to take place in thirteen hours. Whoops. Luckily, I already know most of it (or at least I think I do).
I do enjoy life when I'm feeling completely irrational and overemotional and overly analytical, and I get self-conscious and self-pitying and all jittery-sad (which is an incredibly odd juxtaposition, I know), but then I realize that I am not to blame for these feelings and that it is in fact the entire fault of my uterus. It's such a good feeling, being able to blame irrationality on something besides my own mind. However, it doesn't make the feelings go away, but to these depressing notions I say suck it and go away because I don't need them feelings in my life.
...I should probably review my chemistry and maybe have a good, uterus-induced cry, and then go to sleep. Good idea, Caroline. Props to you and your wonderfulness.
Good night, world. Sweet dreams. Hopefully I'll wake up to an even brighter tomorrow.