Learning to Appreciate the Unpredictable

I really enjoy being loved, but the problem with being loved is that suddenly, I have something to lose again. And all that shit that I don't want to deal with - my fear of abandonment, my mistrust of the world around me, my anxiety about my and others' mortality, it all is coming back in my head. But I've realized something recently, or rather I've been told something recently and it actually stuck; I am my baggage, and my baggage helps make me the unique, amazing person that I am. I can honestly say I've never met a person like me in the world, and that sounds pretty arrogant, but when I've been ragging on myself for a while, bringing myself down and making myself feel miserable about who I am and how my history makes me feel, I think it's okay for me to brag on myself a bit. No matter what happens down the road with anyone in my life, I can at least believe that they will probably never meet another person like me. Thus, I am memorable, for better or for worse. I am special. If everything were roses and gumdrops in my life, I would be unique for all the wrong reasons - I wouldn't have a story, and I personally believe that my life is definitely story-material with sadness and sexuality and anger and unpredictability and heartbreak and bad yet worthwhile decisions and happiness. I am the type of person who has to resist beginning a book by skimming the last page because I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, but if I really think about it, if I were to go back in time ten years ago, six years ago, one year ago, or even six months ago, I probably wouldn't believe what was going to happen in my future, and good twists are sometimes one of the best things about a book. Besides the poetry, of course.